Sinfully Easy (and decadent) Sticky Buns

Let’s take a trip into the depths of my mind. Oh look-some landmarks! There’s Dirty Joke Caverns-right over Shakespeare River, and to the left you’ll see Memory Lane lined with trees made of Random Facts. Cute, right? Well there’s a building over there in Vegan City called “Accidentally Vegan.” That is where things like Oreos* and Bakers’ Chocolate live. “Accidentally Vegan” things come into existence when the manufacturers said, “wait…we didn’t put milk in those? Oh, screw it.” Among these wonderful “Accidentally Vegan” morsels lies Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

Don’t believe me? Google it. The Dough Boy and I dare ya.

So today I needed to make a dessert for my family and I knew I had Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and no vegan chocolate to speak of. NO VEGAN CHOCOLATE?! Yeah, I was horrified too. Until…..a brilliant idea popped into my mind and you know what I made?! Well I guess the title of this post sorta gives it away but SINFULLY EASY STICKY BUNS! (I could make so many dirty jokes right now….)

Introducing.....deliciousness

You will need the following:

1/4 cup margarine

1/3 cup chopped nuts (pecans or walnuts)

1/4 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoons maple syrup (Grade B is always best but in a pinch, use what ya got)

An 8 ounce can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

1 tablespoon sugar

1/2 scant teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 scant teaspoon nutmeg

The Procedure

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Place the margarine and nuts into a 9inch cake pan. Toss it in the oven for 3 minutes (margarine should be melty but not melted. It shouldn't all be liquid.) Stir brown sugar and maple syrup into the margarine and nuts. Spread the mixture evenly throughout the pan.

Remove dough from can, do not unroll or separate (keep it in a log). Use a serrated knife (or sharp regular knife, but only if you know what you're doing) to cut the log into 8 rounds of dough. Mix together the sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg and pour onto a small plate. Take the rolls and dip both sides into the sugar mixture. Arrange the dough in the pan in the shape of a flower with 7 petals (look at the pictures if you're confused). Remember, the dough will swell up in baking so make sure the dough isn't touching yet.

Sprinkle any remaining sugar mixture over the buns and then put it all in the oven for about 20 minutes (the rolls should be golden brown and puffy when done.)

They'll look like this splendid photo!

Cool for 1-2 minutes and invert the pan over a plate. Now the gooey nut mixture is your topping! Magic, I know. They're best served warm but fine at room temperature too. Enjoy!

*Don’t eat Oreos in England cuz they put some sort of pig fat into the frosting. Don’t ask me why. They’re British, those people call the trunk of a car a “boot” out loud! That doesn’t even make sense….



I Eat You in a French Accent! Vegan Crepes

When they wanted to go to the moon The Man said it couldn't be done. When they wanted to make the Internet The Man said it couldn't be done. When they wanted to climb the tallest mountain in the world The Man said it couldn't be done. When I wanted to make vegan crepes The Man said it couldn't be done.
Well now doesn't He look silly?
Oh yeah, internet, I made vegan crepes like the BAMF I am and now The Man's just pissed because I won't share their chocolaty goodness with his animal-hating self.
Also because this recipe is really only good for serving one average bear.
This is a sweet crepe recipe but if you want to be a healthy loser then you can replace the chocolate soymilk for regular soymilk and omit the cocoa powder, sugar, and vanilla.

But really, who wants to ruin this decadent gluttony

with health concerns? Nobody, that's who.

You will need the following:

1/2 cup of chocolate soymilk

2/3 cup and 2 tbs water

1/4 cup of melted vegan margarine

1 cup flour

1 tbs agave nectar/vegan sugar

2 tsp vanilla

and a crepe pan or low-sided sauce pan.

The Procedure

Place all the ingredients in your blender  and blend until they're all...well....blended.

If your blender is good at pouring then you can leave the batter in there but if not then transfer into something good for pouring like a 2 cup liquid measure.

Refrigerate for 1/2 an hour.

Heat your crepe pan/low-sided sauce pan over low to medium heat and spray with PAM cooking spray or grease it down with some margarine. Then wipe it out with a paper towel.

Pour in batter around the size you'd pour to make a pancake but then rotate the pan so that the batter spreads all around it. Ideally the batter should spread to the edges but sometimes I pour a little less batter so that I have more control when it's time to flip.

You'll start to see air bubbles form.

This phenomenon is both normal and ideal.

Don't freak out.

Cook the crepe until the edges seem dry and pull away from the side. Some people say you don't need to flip crepes because they're so thin but I flip it like there's no tomorrow. People also say that you can check if the crepe is finished by seeing if it slides around the pan...I don't. I just check the underside for golden-brown dots and flip when it seems all cooked.

The other side should cook really fast so don't walk away from it unless you want a charred breakfast/dessert/midnight snack.

Take the crepe off the pan and put it on a plate and pour in your next round of batter.

You can add more PAM or margarine if the crepes seem to stick to the pan but don't forget to wipe it out.

Now you can go crazy with fillings. I've listed a few ideas bellow:

Peanut butter and banana slices

Jam (Dickson's Raspberry Fruit Spread is AMAZING because it spreads easily enough so it doesn't tear the crepe)

Chocolate sauce

Fresh strawberry slices

Vegan cheesecake

Frosting

Sprinkles

Cookies

Cake (wedding or birthday)

Vegan charoset

Oreo crumbles

Sprinkles

Cupcakes

Truffles

Marzipan

Sprinkles

Peanut butter and banana slices and chocolate sauce

Jam and chocolate sauce

Fresh strawberry slices and chocolate sauce

Vegan cheesecake and chocolate sauce

Frosting and chocolate sauce

Sprinkles and chocolate sauce

Cookies and chocolate sauce

Cake  and chocolate sauce

Vegan charoset and chocolate sauce

Oreo crumbles and chocolate sauce

Sprinkles and chocolate sauce

Cupcakes and chocolate sauce

Truffles and chocolate sauce

Marzipan and chocolate sauce

Sprinkles and chocolate sauce

Pie

Kickass Cupcake King!

With 'Sticky Fingers', health junkies, and immigrant take-out places, D.C. is a pretty swell place to be vegan....that is if you're one of those people who's willing to pay $8 for a cupcake that could be made with that Crisco frosting that leaves a greasy aftertaste in your animal-loving mouth.

So your next bet is to turn to come good ol' fashioned cake mix. You use your trusty fake-egg substitute and soymilk instead of the real milk. (Maybe you get fancy and throw in a few dashes of vanilla extract-but I don't know you so maybe you don't. I do) And you pour your heart and soul into les petites gateaux and...they flop. They freaking overflow the pan and then make forlorn little pancake hats and end up tasting like shit.

It's not your fault. Blame the heartless institutions that assume we're all non-vegans and call for eggs and milk in their cakes. Maybe you feel the need to tag their buildings with rude anti-corporation slogans and sad faces. Now I'm not telling you to vandalize but I'm on the other side of the screen and really can't stop you if that's what you feel like doing.

So once you get home and wash the spray-paint off your hands, why don't you give it another try with these beauties?

Photoshoot with the strawberry sisters=success!

You will need the following:

1 1/2 cups coconut milk diluted to the consistency of soymilk (slightly thicker than water) OR vanilla soymilk

3 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

2 1/2 cups flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups sugar

1/2 cup of vegetable oil

3 teaspoons vanilla extract

3 tablespoons rainbow sprinkles

The Procedure

 Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line 24-cup muffin tin with paper or foil cupcake liners. Set aside.

In a small bowl, combine the coconut milk and vinegar. Set aside.

In a medium bowl combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Mix together (I use a whisk for dry mixtures). Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream together the sugar, oil, and vanilla. Stir in the coconut milk mixture. Mix. Slowly add the dry ingredients and stir until it's all smooth and batter-y looking. Stir in the sprinkles. These are optional but comeon, THEY MAKE YOUR CUPCAKES INTO FREAKING FUNFETTI!!!!

Pour the batter into the prepared cups, filling them up about 2/3 of the way and bake until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out with cake all clumped to it or clean and the tops should be a TINY bit golden brown-about 20-25 minutes.

Let them cool before frosting cuz otherwise your beauteous frosting will melt and be stupid.

Now you can take your pick from any of the frostings bellow! Do a double recipe of the frostings though cuz they're all made for one dozen cupcakes and you just made 24.



Chocolate Frosting:

2 cups of vegan confectioners' sugar

1/3 cup dutch-press cocoa powder

1/2 cup of margarine

2-4 tablespoons chocolate soymilk

Whirl everything together in your electric-beater thingy until it resembles frosting. Add the soymilk gradually until the frosting reaches a soft-peak stage. Use to frost cool cupcakes. Add sprinkles if you wanna be classy ;)

Like this, man. Easy peasy

lemon squeezy.

and speaking of lemons...

Lemon/Lime Frosting

2 1/4 cups of vegan confectioners' sugar

1/2 cup of margarine

1 tablespoon lemon or lime zest

1 tablespoon lemon or lime juice

Whirl everything together in your electric-beater thingy until it resembles frosting. Add the soymilk gradually until the frosting reaches a soft-peak stage. Use to frost cool cupcakes. Add sprinkles if you wanna be classy ;)

Vanilla Frosting for you boring mofos

2 cups vegan confectioners' sugar

1/2 cup margarine

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whirl everything together in your electric-beater thingy until it resembles frosting. Add the soymilk gradually until the frosting reaches a soft-peak stage. Use to frost cool cupcakes. Add sprinkles if you wanna be classy ;)

Minty Fresh Frosting for date night

2 cups vegan confectioners' sugar

1/2 cup margarine

1 teaspoon mint extract

Whirl everything together in your electric-beater thingy until it resembles frosting. Add the soymilk gradually until the frosting reaches a soft-peak stage. Use to frost cool cupcakes. Add sprinkles if you wanna be classy ;)