Raw?! Vegan Carrot Cake w. "Cream Cheese" Frosting

Now that I’ve discovered Pinterest, I’ve grown afraid for my girlish figure. For realz though, there are TOO MANY BORED HOUSEWIVES posting delicious and easy vegan desserts on there for me to function. I scroll through my feed and automatically want to consume 3,000 calories!!! So, looking for something just as satisfying to my sweet tooth and significantly less detrimental to my health, I investigated RAW foods. Now, I think raw food people are a little wacko. Like you make oatmeal by just letting it rest in some warm water.

How they thought of something this good

we'll never know

For those of you who don’t know-“raw food” is food that has not been heated above the hottest temperature your climate would get. In VA it’s like 103 but I’m sure there’s some official cut-off for the die-hards. They “cook” a lot of their food by drying it in a dehydrogenizer (incidentally, not a word or so spellcheck tells me) rather than baking it in the oven. There’s significantly less flour and significantly more smugness per recipe.

Yet, I do see the upside, there’s no processed sugar-even maple syrup isn’t used because of the boiling and thickening process it goes through-and they mostly use dates to sweeten things. When I explained about how I was going to use dates in a frosting to my friend, she paused and asked, “…doesn’t that make you poop?” Yes. Yes it does.

Anyway, I found a lot of vegan cheesecake recipes but they’re all like…effort. So I chose to try and whip up some raw carrot cake. What could go wrong, right? It’s not like it’s gonna burn or leaven improperly ;)

So here it is, the 100% Raw, Vegan Carrot Cake!

You’ll want to make the frosting first, trust me.

Frosting Ingredients:

1 cup raw cashews soaked overnight, drained, and rinsed*

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

1 tablespoon lemon juice

4 pitted medjool dates

3 tablespoons water

2 tablespoons coconut oil

The Procedure

You can try using a Vita Mix but I usually shy from blenders when I’m making something that’s only going to come out as a little more than a cup of paste/liquid. I used a Cuisinart food processor to blend all the ingredients on high until thick and creamy. I also left it on for like 5 minutes so the mixture looked nice and frosting-y.

Pour into a bowl and refrigerate for 1hour.

That's a close-up of the frosting.

You're welcome.

Now make the cake J

Cake ingredients

1 ½ cups shredded carrot

½ cup pecans soaked overnight, drained, and rinsed

¾ cups pitted medjool dates

¼ cup raisins (SO optional, I can’t even begin. Raisins are disgusting, period.)

½ cup unsweetened coconut flakes/shreds

2 ¼ teaspoons pumpkin pie spice (OR ¾ t of each nutmeg, cinnamon, and ginger)

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

2 teaspoons lemon juice

The Procedure

Set aside carrot shreds. Grind the pecans in the food processor until they resemble crumbs, you don’t want a paste just yet. Add dates (and raisins *gag*). Pulse until a sort of dough forms. Add coconut, spices, vanilla, and lemon juice. Process until all incorporated and resembling coarse dough. Add carrot shreds to nut mixture and process until carrots are incorporated (do not over mix!) Press dough into either a cake pan, loaf pan, 8x8 brownie pan, or ramekins-all must be lined with parchment paper. Place in freezer and let the cake set for 45 min.

After the hour is up, spread frosting on the cake and eat! Be proud of your decadent, raw dessert! You can keep the cake in the fridge if you don’t eat it all in one go.

Awkward Kale Chips (roar!)

So.....this is awkward. Remember how back when it was cold (I don't really wanna look it up right now) and I made a post about freaking kale? Well as it turns out....I sorta like it. Ok, here's what happened:
I was on a family vacation in Vermont and some random nice hippy brought over an assload of kale (assload being the technical term here) and didn't know what to do with it. Some way, somehow, I ended up making kale chips (I feel brainwashed....by healthy aliens).
However, they were REALLY GOOD! I've made them a bunch since then. However, here's the secret: use DINOSAUR KALE (it's what all them cool stegosauruses ate so if you wanna take a moment for your imagination, you have my permission).

This is my stegosaurus face. I imagine them to have been pretty chill.

Not to mention not-so-smart...

Dinosaur kale is huge and flat and makes awesome chips. Wanna get in on the kale madness? Well do it.

You will need the following:
One bunch of kale
2 tablespoons olive oil
kosher/sea salt for sprinkling (a little goes a long way)

The Procedure
Preheat oven to 275 degrees f.
Remove the ribbing from the kale by cutting down on either side of the stalk. You should now have two half-kale leaves. Cut these into "chip size," which is roughly 1x1 inches to 2x2.
Toss with olive oil and salt and place on a rimmed baking pan.
Bake for 15-30 minutes (because the setting is so low, the times can vary dramatically)
Stir 10 minutes into the process and basically every time you check on them.

No worries if some of the chips get a bit browned in patches.

Burn=flavor.

Final product should be so crispy it almost falls apart in your mouth. IT SHOULD NOT BE CHEWY
Chewy is disgusting and no one will eat it or like you and it means it's not cooked long enough.

Bring as a pre/post lunch/dinner snack or nosh on at work/school instead of those empty-calorie vending machine goodies.
If you live with others, you can just leave a bowl on the counter and they'll go away ASAP.
I like to give them to kids and just say, "they're like green potato chips! Fun!" Cuz really, in this instance the kale is just a medium on which the salt and oil are welcomed to express themselves.

Chocolatay Mousse (You Won't Believe it's Vegan)

So you know when you're walking to your cousin's wedding, see a girl on the street and think, "trashy bitch." Only to get to the wedding to have that same girl intoduced to you as the maid of honor? No? Just me? Well then...take that to heart because it's a damn good lesson about first impressions. You're welcome. 

Anyhoo, this mousse is sorta like that. In that you get that terrible first impression by reading the recipe, thinking, "what the hell is she thinking? Typical vegan," And then you'd be wrong. So wrong. So so so so wrong I can't even type enough "so"s.

There's a reason I added the electric fire thingy.

sososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososo very wrong! 

I think you get the picture. This is damn good shit, like when you have a sweet craving and don't wanna, well, get fat-this is the solution for you. Avacados are often called the "ABC" fruit (though they're technically a berry-who knew?) because they have like every vitamin imaginable in them. They also have a bunch of fiber-which not only burns fat(ish) but....well....it's why old people eat prunes. Let's just say that.

Sorry about the potty-humor right before introducing something

so brown and gooey but it felt necessary

So right here on the inter-webs, live from Virginia, we have our very own three-ingredient succulent mousse that will break the STRICTEST of diets without making you gain! (that's just theatrics. Don't sue me if you get fat.)

VEGAN CHOCOLATE MOUSE!!!!!!

You will need the following:

One ripe avocado

3 tablespoons honey (or agave nectar if you're THAT kind of vegan)

3 tablespoons special dark/dutch process cocoa (it HAS to be b-l-a-c-k BLACK for it to be good. You'll thank me later)

A blender (we're lucking and have a VitaMix ;) I highly recommend it)

The Procedure

Put everything in the blender and blend until it's all blended together and looks all blendy.

Chill for at least half an hour (but it's cool if you lick the blades clean, I know I did (shhhh don't tell anyone. My weakness is embarrassing))

Serve with something pretty like chopped nuts or a mint-leaf garnish

P. S. This really only serves one so if you intend on sharing/having seconds then double or triple the recipe but don't do more than triple on one batch. :) 

No go forth and delight in your indulgence!

*nosh*