Awkward Kale Chips (roar!)

So.....this is awkward. Remember how back when it was cold (I don't really wanna look it up right now) and I made a post about freaking kale? Well as it turns out....I sorta like it. Ok, here's what happened:
I was on a family vacation in Vermont and some random nice hippy brought over an assload of kale (assload being the technical term here) and didn't know what to do with it. Some way, somehow, I ended up making kale chips (I feel brainwashed....by healthy aliens).
However, they were REALLY GOOD! I've made them a bunch since then. However, here's the secret: use DINOSAUR KALE (it's what all them cool stegosauruses ate so if you wanna take a moment for your imagination, you have my permission).

This is my stegosaurus face. I imagine them to have been pretty chill.

Not to mention not-so-smart...

Dinosaur kale is huge and flat and makes awesome chips. Wanna get in on the kale madness? Well do it.

You will need the following:
One bunch of kale
2 tablespoons olive oil
kosher/sea salt for sprinkling (a little goes a long way)

The Procedure
Preheat oven to 275 degrees f.
Remove the ribbing from the kale by cutting down on either side of the stalk. You should now have two half-kale leaves. Cut these into "chip size," which is roughly 1x1 inches to 2x2.
Toss with olive oil and salt and place on a rimmed baking pan.
Bake for 15-30 minutes (because the setting is so low, the times can vary dramatically)
Stir 10 minutes into the process and basically every time you check on them.

No worries if some of the chips get a bit browned in patches.

Burn=flavor.

Final product should be so crispy it almost falls apart in your mouth. IT SHOULD NOT BE CHEWY
Chewy is disgusting and no one will eat it or like you and it means it's not cooked long enough.

Bring as a pre/post lunch/dinner snack or nosh on at work/school instead of those empty-calorie vending machine goodies.
If you live with others, you can just leave a bowl on the counter and they'll go away ASAP.
I like to give them to kids and just say, "they're like green potato chips! Fun!" Cuz really, in this instance the kale is just a medium on which the salt and oil are welcomed to express themselves.

Chocolatay Mousse (You Won't Believe it's Vegan)

So you know when you're walking to your cousin's wedding, see a girl on the street and think, "trashy bitch." Only to get to the wedding to have that same girl intoduced to you as the maid of honor? No? Just me? Well then...take that to heart because it's a damn good lesson about first impressions. You're welcome. 

Anyhoo, this mousse is sorta like that. In that you get that terrible first impression by reading the recipe, thinking, "what the hell is she thinking? Typical vegan," And then you'd be wrong. So wrong. So so so so wrong I can't even type enough "so"s.

There's a reason I added the electric fire thingy.

sososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososososo very wrong! 

I think you get the picture. This is damn good shit, like when you have a sweet craving and don't wanna, well, get fat-this is the solution for you. Avacados are often called the "ABC" fruit (though they're technically a berry-who knew?) because they have like every vitamin imaginable in them. They also have a bunch of fiber-which not only burns fat(ish) but....well....it's why old people eat prunes. Let's just say that.

Sorry about the potty-humor right before introducing something

so brown and gooey but it felt necessary

So right here on the inter-webs, live from Virginia, we have our very own three-ingredient succulent mousse that will break the STRICTEST of diets without making you gain! (that's just theatrics. Don't sue me if you get fat.)

VEGAN CHOCOLATE MOUSE!!!!!!

You will need the following:

One ripe avocado

3 tablespoons honey (or agave nectar if you're THAT kind of vegan)

3 tablespoons special dark/dutch process cocoa (it HAS to be b-l-a-c-k BLACK for it to be good. You'll thank me later)

A blender (we're lucking and have a VitaMix ;) I highly recommend it)

The Procedure

Put everything in the blender and blend until it's all blended together and looks all blendy.

Chill for at least half an hour (but it's cool if you lick the blades clean, I know I did (shhhh don't tell anyone. My weakness is embarrassing))

Serve with something pretty like chopped nuts or a mint-leaf garnish

P. S. This really only serves one so if you intend on sharing/having seconds then double or triple the recipe but don't do more than triple on one batch. :) 

No go forth and delight in your indulgence!

*nosh*

Sinfully Easy (and decadent) Sticky Buns

Let’s take a trip into the depths of my mind. Oh look-some landmarks! There’s Dirty Joke Caverns-right over Shakespeare River, and to the left you’ll see Memory Lane lined with trees made of Random Facts. Cute, right? Well there’s a building over there in Vegan City called “Accidentally Vegan.” That is where things like Oreos* and Bakers’ Chocolate live. “Accidentally Vegan” things come into existence when the manufacturers said, “wait…we didn’t put milk in those? Oh, screw it.” Among these wonderful “Accidentally Vegan” morsels lies Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.

Don’t believe me? Google it. The Dough Boy and I dare ya.

So today I needed to make a dessert for my family and I knew I had Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and no vegan chocolate to speak of. NO VEGAN CHOCOLATE?! Yeah, I was horrified too. Until…..a brilliant idea popped into my mind and you know what I made?! Well I guess the title of this post sorta gives it away but SINFULLY EASY STICKY BUNS! (I could make so many dirty jokes right now….)

Introducing.....deliciousness

You will need the following:

1/4 cup margarine

1/3 cup chopped nuts (pecans or walnuts)

1/4 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoons maple syrup (Grade B is always best but in a pinch, use what ya got)

An 8 ounce can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

1 tablespoon sugar

1/2 scant teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 scant teaspoon nutmeg

The Procedure

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Place the margarine and nuts into a 9inch cake pan. Toss it in the oven for 3 minutes (margarine should be melty but not melted. It shouldn't all be liquid.) Stir brown sugar and maple syrup into the margarine and nuts. Spread the mixture evenly throughout the pan.

Remove dough from can, do not unroll or separate (keep it in a log). Use a serrated knife (or sharp regular knife, but only if you know what you're doing) to cut the log into 8 rounds of dough. Mix together the sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg and pour onto a small plate. Take the rolls and dip both sides into the sugar mixture. Arrange the dough in the pan in the shape of a flower with 7 petals (look at the pictures if you're confused). Remember, the dough will swell up in baking so make sure the dough isn't touching yet.

Sprinkle any remaining sugar mixture over the buns and then put it all in the oven for about 20 minutes (the rolls should be golden brown and puffy when done.)

They'll look like this splendid photo!

Cool for 1-2 minutes and invert the pan over a plate. Now the gooey nut mixture is your topping! Magic, I know. They're best served warm but fine at room temperature too. Enjoy!

*Don’t eat Oreos in England cuz they put some sort of pig fat into the frosting. Don’t ask me why. They’re British, those people call the trunk of a car a “boot” out loud! That doesn’t even make sense….